Notes from the Lazarus pits

by Shihang

In the Batman comics, there is a mystical spring which has the power to revive the dead and rejuvenate those on the verge of death. Its power, however, comes at a cost: every successive use drives the person further from himself till he finally is driven from himself. This has become what each revival of this blog feels like. Each time I revive the blog, I am a different person from the last time I let it die, and throughout the years, the blog has become a collection of snapshots of me at different points of my life.

It is not a collection of self-portraits at my best. Looking through some of these posts, I can see myself as an angry ineffectual person, obsessed with failure and hatred. In one period, I found a dozen drafts of posts on my hatred of politicians. I suppose that looking back now, I don’t really know why I was so angry at politicians. I still do not like them. I wouldn’t have any of them round for coffee, but I also wouldn’t write angry blog posts denigrating them and publish them on the internet.

Perhaps in a way, this is a step backward. I still dislike most of the things I have on this list over three years ago (except cats; I suppose I have become a cat person of late). I just no longer care enough to be intolerant about them, and I suppose this live and let live attitude is more a sign of apathy than a sign of mellowness. I have developed an interest in theoretical things (like logic and economic theory) that have no need for real people and their little quirks, and this allows me to be more or less an emotional tourist in the real world. I mean this in the sense that I do not need to feel anything when something happens, for example, when there is another scandal in Singapore or when there is some horrible tragedy in the middle east. I am interested and most definitely concerned, but I no longer really feel upset or angry. I think this makes me unhappy less often.

Anyway, when I was thinking of reviving this blog, I had in mind picture posts of my trip to Thailand and maybe a review of this cute little indie game I am playing (Limbo, in case anyone is wondering). But reading my archives have put me in a thoughtful and retrospective mood. Not a melancholy one though; half-working on a set of notes on microeconomics and half typing this post, emotion is the furthest thing on my mind. I do not feel the roil of anything. I think I feel content.